Wednesday, April 20, 2016

A New Day with Help

I don't normally post so close together, but I felt I needed to say something about today. I have been facing anxiety and depression for a while now. Like yesterday, I won't put it up on Facebook because #1 - I don't want everyone to know my business or rather I don't feel comfortable confessing this to all people and #2 - I don't want pity from people and that is what I will get if I tell this to some people. I feel embarrassed because as a Christian, I don't know how I could possibly be facing something like depression. I know God has me in His hands always so why am I feeling like this? I don't question Him, I question myself. He has brought me through many other "down" situations and I have no reason to doubt He will do it again with me being stronger on the other side.

Here it is: I feel like crying every single day that I get up. I am experiencing health problems like chest pains and just not feeling good on a day to day basis. In the course of this going on, I have had to think about why it is happening. Am I stressed? Am I anxious over the little things? Yes and ...Yes. When I lost my job (not of my doing) last year, I was devastated. I loved my co-workers and I was in a good place. Maybe I was too comfortable and maybe well I don't know what but I still harbor hurt feelings over the whole thing. It wasn't their fault either so that is not what I am saying. They didn't want it any more than I did. It is just what had to happen (Thanks to our governor not passing the budget for last year). I had to take a part time job at Kmart and while I do or have enjoyed customer service or retail in the past, it is not what I am meant for. I don't think I am "destined" for something greater or that I am better than that, its just that I worked hard to go back to school at a late time in my life and I think my talents can be used elsewhere. My heart is in social work. I have taken civil service tests and God blessed me with a job with the county here. The drawbacks: Pay is over half what I was making before. Better than Kmart - yes. Benefits are great - yes. I feel isolated where I am. It is a truly lonely job. I am used to having constant interaction with people. I don't get it here. Plus, I know language is not a big deal to a lot of people but it bothers me when it is all day every day from almost everyone around me. I can only hope that one day I will finally get a call about the job that I really want and maybe there is a reason God is withholding it from me. Maybe I am not ready. Maybe it isn't what I think it will be. Maybe it will be worse than where I am.

When will my weight loss be enough? I am staying at the same weight which is good, but I know that I have 20 more pounds of fat to lose and then I want to get rid of extra skin because of what I perceive it to look like. Sometimes I make bad choices. I don't overdo it but I worry that I will pick up old habits.

I want to be closer to God, but I don't think I make enough of an effort to be where I want to be. When will I allow the Spirit to move in me? When will I see that Jesus covers me? When will I see that God is holding me when I can't stand up?

I worry about my children for different reasons. I worry that Geoffry and Becca will not find what they are looking for. I worry that they will stay in a state of constant upheaval and will never have a place of their own. I agonize over not being able to see Marcus. I worry about Jamie and how medications over the years is going to affect her in the long run. I worry about how we can get her over this eczema and how God can use it to help others. She is in a constant state of pain and there is nothing I can do for her. I worry about Chris and how he copes with the world. I worry about him passing his grades and being able to go to the college he wants to so he can do what he wants in life. I worry about how he will acclimate to life after being with us or how he will cope with life once he is an adult. I worry that I haven't done enough to be a good role model for them. Some days I come home and I don't feel like doing anything because I am always exhausted.

I know God called us to be in Pennsylvania and there are many ways we can minister to others here. This has been the best move we have ever made. Sometimes though, I miss my family in North Carolina. I know that God wants me here but my flesh is so weak.

These are just a few of the things that are going on in my head right now. I was blessed today because Lee prayed for me and made me a worship CD to play today so I would be uplifted. I love this man that God gave to me.

If you would sometime...Pray for me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Crashing

I am having a hard time acclimating to my new job. I don't feel like I fit in AT ALL. I wish I could say different and pretend how much I love my job, but honestly I don't. I don't love it. I feel sad every single day. The "language" around me is constant and although I realize to many, this is not a big deal but to me it is and when you hear it all the time it gets to you. I am alone. Very alone. I am part of a secretarial staff that is hugely underpaid and underappreciated.  The direct supervisors in my department do appreciate me and that feels good but it only scratches the surface. When I started this job, I did so to get my foot in the door and at first it was great because there was an abundance of work to do. I set forth to get so much accomplished and I did so with fervor. Once it was all done, however things changed for me. No longer did I have something to do but I have to go asking for things to do. It is embarrassing and humiliating to ask people if I can shred their stuff for them. I am not happy. I feel like crying each day and I think that maybe I may be slipping into a depression. I am used to being around a lot of people and interacting with them. Here there are many people but no interaction. I appreciate that I have a good job with good benefits but I don't know how long I can stay here and save my sanity. I am not sure if I will post this or not. I definitely will not put it on Facebook. What to do? I will have to wait out for the job I really want. Pray that it will be sooner rather than later.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Not Feeling the Best

Okay so I have 20 pounds of fat to go. I was able to get on this really cool machine that gives every detail of mass in your body. With the exception of extra skin that could come off with surgery, my muscle and skeletal mass looks good. I have 20 pounds left to go before I am at optimal weight for my height and age. Will I do it? No clue. Will I try? Absolutely. We are doing this challenge at work right now called Everybody Walk Across PA. It is an 8 week walking challenge and we have created teams at work to see just how much we can walk each week. The goal that Penn State Extension encourages teams to accomplish is 10 miles per person per week for 8 weeks. So far in this first week, I have accomplished 9.25 miles and it is only day 4 of the 7-day week. I think the challenge with teams will push me to do more just because I am competitive and whether we win or not makes no real difference.

On a side note, I have not been feeling my best lately. If you could please pray that my doctor and I can figure out what is going on with me that would be greatly appreciated. I have been experiencing chest pains and some other various symptoms. The good news is, my blood tests have all come back okay. I had a stress echo test this week and my heart is in good shape so I don't really know what is going on. I guess it could be stress, although I don't really know what there is to be stressed about. Thanks for the prayers. I know God has me in His hands and He loves when His people are praying for one another.