Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Negative is the new normal

So I wish I could say that things were much better, but I really can't. I thank God for my family and the few friends that I have. I am having a really hard time not feeling defeated at the moment. Sometimes people say it is good to make a list of pros and cons. I will try.

Pros
I still have...
  • God
  • Lee
  • Chris
  • Jamie
  • Geoffry
  • Becca
  • Marcus
  • Kobi
  • my life
  • family

Cons
  • Still have no clue what is going on health-wise with myself. I am struggling with depression and weight challenges every day. I have been sick the past two weeks and have started having episodes, one of which caused me to black out and hit my head yet doctors say everything is perfectly normal. If that is normal, I don't want it.
  • Have no idea what is going to happen with our family with my legal situation. Because of this, I am unable to work, so unable to provide for our family. God gives and God takes away. I will continue in poverty and be joyful about it. 
  • Have no idea why people in churches refuse to move forward. It is almost like they want to die and guess what? They will. They are hanging themselves and refuse to take responsibility for it. The bad thing about it is that there are WILLING people in congregations trying to step up and do what is necessary but unfortunately their voices are smothered out by the few who want to stay in the dark with their traditions. Don't get me wrong, I am all about tradition because I think it is important but when it causes the church to die and for the word of Christ to not be heard then what good are we doing? I am tired of trying and getting nowhere. I am done. Someone else can pick up what I do. I will no longer be on any "lists" of things to do. My voice will no longer be heard in matters or in song. I will search for other opportunities to share Christ and connect with others.
I wish I had something positive to say, but unfortunately I don't and sometimes it just is that way and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make a difference.