A New Day with Help
I don't normally post so close together, but I felt I needed to say something about today. I have been facing anxiety and depression for a while now. Like yesterday, I won't put it up on Facebook because #1 - I don't want everyone to know my business or rather I don't feel comfortable confessing this to all people and #2 - I don't want pity from people and that is what I will get if I tell this to some people. I feel embarrassed because as a Christian, I don't know how I could possibly be facing something like depression. I know God has me in His hands always so why am I feeling like this? I don't question Him, I question myself. He has brought me through many other "down" situations and I have no reason to doubt He will do it again with me being stronger on the other side.
Here it is: I feel like crying every single day that I get up. I am experiencing health problems like chest pains and just not feeling good on a day to day basis. In the course of this going on, I have had to think about why it is happening. Am I stressed? Am I anxious over the little things? Yes and ...Yes. When I lost my job (not of my doing) last year, I was devastated. I loved my co-workers and I was in a good place. Maybe I was too comfortable and maybe well I don't know what but I still harbor hurt feelings over the whole thing. It wasn't their fault either so that is not what I am saying. They didn't want it any more than I did. It is just what had to happen (Thanks to our governor not passing the budget for last year). I had to take a part time job at Kmart and while I do or have enjoyed customer service or retail in the past, it is not what I am meant for. I don't think I am "destined" for something greater or that I am better than that, its just that I worked hard to go back to school at a late time in my life and I think my talents can be used elsewhere. My heart is in social work. I have taken civil service tests and God blessed me with a job with the county here. The drawbacks: Pay is over half what I was making before. Better than Kmart - yes. Benefits are great - yes. I feel isolated where I am. It is a truly lonely job. I am used to having constant interaction with people. I don't get it here. Plus, I know language is not a big deal to a lot of people but it bothers me when it is all day every day from almost everyone around me. I can only hope that one day I will finally get a call about the job that I really want and maybe there is a reason God is withholding it from me. Maybe I am not ready. Maybe it isn't what I think it will be. Maybe it will be worse than where I am.
When will my weight loss be enough? I am staying at the same weight which is good, but I know that I have 20 more pounds of fat to lose and then I want to get rid of extra skin because of what I perceive it to look like. Sometimes I make bad choices. I don't overdo it but I worry that I will pick up old habits.
I want to be closer to God, but I don't think I make enough of an effort to be where I want to be. When will I allow the Spirit to move in me? When will I see that Jesus covers me? When will I see that God is holding me when I can't stand up?
I worry about my children for different reasons. I worry that Geoffry and Becca will not find what they are looking for. I worry that they will stay in a state of constant upheaval and will never have a place of their own. I agonize over not being able to see Marcus. I worry about Jamie and how medications over the years is going to affect her in the long run. I worry about how we can get her over this eczema and how God can use it to help others. She is in a constant state of pain and there is nothing I can do for her. I worry about Chris and how he copes with the world. I worry about him passing his grades and being able to go to the college he wants to so he can do what he wants in life. I worry about how he will acclimate to life after being with us or how he will cope with life once he is an adult. I worry that I haven't done enough to be a good role model for them. Some days I come home and I don't feel like doing anything because I am always exhausted.
I know God called us to be in Pennsylvania and there are many ways we can minister to others here. This has been the best move we have ever made. Sometimes though, I miss my family in North Carolina. I know that God wants me here but my flesh is so weak.
These are just a few of the things that are going on in my head right now. I was blessed today because Lee prayed for me and made me a worship CD to play today so I would be uplifted. I love this man that God gave to me.
If you would sometime...Pray for me.
Here it is: I feel like crying every single day that I get up. I am experiencing health problems like chest pains and just not feeling good on a day to day basis. In the course of this going on, I have had to think about why it is happening. Am I stressed? Am I anxious over the little things? Yes and ...Yes. When I lost my job (not of my doing) last year, I was devastated. I loved my co-workers and I was in a good place. Maybe I was too comfortable and maybe well I don't know what but I still harbor hurt feelings over the whole thing. It wasn't their fault either so that is not what I am saying. They didn't want it any more than I did. It is just what had to happen (Thanks to our governor not passing the budget for last year). I had to take a part time job at Kmart and while I do or have enjoyed customer service or retail in the past, it is not what I am meant for. I don't think I am "destined" for something greater or that I am better than that, its just that I worked hard to go back to school at a late time in my life and I think my talents can be used elsewhere. My heart is in social work. I have taken civil service tests and God blessed me with a job with the county here. The drawbacks: Pay is over half what I was making before. Better than Kmart - yes. Benefits are great - yes. I feel isolated where I am. It is a truly lonely job. I am used to having constant interaction with people. I don't get it here. Plus, I know language is not a big deal to a lot of people but it bothers me when it is all day every day from almost everyone around me. I can only hope that one day I will finally get a call about the job that I really want and maybe there is a reason God is withholding it from me. Maybe I am not ready. Maybe it isn't what I think it will be. Maybe it will be worse than where I am.
When will my weight loss be enough? I am staying at the same weight which is good, but I know that I have 20 more pounds of fat to lose and then I want to get rid of extra skin because of what I perceive it to look like. Sometimes I make bad choices. I don't overdo it but I worry that I will pick up old habits.
I want to be closer to God, but I don't think I make enough of an effort to be where I want to be. When will I allow the Spirit to move in me? When will I see that Jesus covers me? When will I see that God is holding me when I can't stand up?
I worry about my children for different reasons. I worry that Geoffry and Becca will not find what they are looking for. I worry that they will stay in a state of constant upheaval and will never have a place of their own. I agonize over not being able to see Marcus. I worry about Jamie and how medications over the years is going to affect her in the long run. I worry about how we can get her over this eczema and how God can use it to help others. She is in a constant state of pain and there is nothing I can do for her. I worry about Chris and how he copes with the world. I worry about him passing his grades and being able to go to the college he wants to so he can do what he wants in life. I worry about how he will acclimate to life after being with us or how he will cope with life once he is an adult. I worry that I haven't done enough to be a good role model for them. Some days I come home and I don't feel like doing anything because I am always exhausted.
I know God called us to be in Pennsylvania and there are many ways we can minister to others here. This has been the best move we have ever made. Sometimes though, I miss my family in North Carolina. I know that God wants me here but my flesh is so weak.
These are just a few of the things that are going on in my head right now. I was blessed today because Lee prayed for me and made me a worship CD to play today so I would be uplifted. I love this man that God gave to me.
If you would sometime...Pray for me.
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